EAT A DICK YOU PUSS!!!

Made you look. Now shut your dick licker and fold your blind, you're slowing down the fucking game!

I Hate Lady Gaga

OK. So I am sitting at home and my wife is watching a Japanese music program. I often joke around with her about how all the Japanese singers like to use broken English in their songs, and I started to sing along to a song that I thought was being sung by a Japanese singer, due to it being completely incoherent. My wife then tells me, "No, that's Lady Gaga."

OH MY GOD!!!!

It is one of those songs where they throw Doo's and Da's around like legit lyrics, then they say 'Dance'. This is then followed by a series of words that make NO SENSE but rhyme... barely.

Then I realized... This is a rip off of Bruce McCulloch character Tammy from The Kids In The Hall 20 years ago!!!

Gaga

Tammy

JCVD in French Only Please

OK. I saw this movie twice at the theater and I thought it was fucking amazing! Then today I rented it using the Video on Demand feature with my current cable supplier. The movie started... and it was dubbed in English!

Eat my ass! This movie was so devastatingly well done in French with subtitles, that I honestly thought that it would be Van Damme's 'Pulp Fiction' but when I saw this dubbed version, it was almost impossible to sit through.

Watch this movie, it is fantastic. Van Damme, playing the role he was born to play, does such an amazing job in this one that you can almost forget about 'Cyborg'. The dubbed version takes all the emotion out of the movie though, and turns this 'film' into a B rate 'flick'.

Edible Pantasy...

When I was in high school we used to always joke about edible panties. The whole thing boiled down to an edible panties eating contest at a party one night. I ate 3 pairs out of a bowl of milk and washed them down with half a bottle of Sambuca.

They were nowhere near as good as I thought they would be, they are basically like old fruit roll ups.

It has also always been a pipe dream of mine to sell grocery bags full of panties outside of Rolling Stones concerts for women to throw... I think I would make millions!!!

That is NOT a Bagel!!!

"Joe!!!  What's wrong?!?!? Why are you throwing things?!?!? Why did you break that baseball bat over your knee a la Bo Jackson circa 1991?!?!" My wife screamed, "Are you drunk?!?!"

"NO!!! I mean YES!!!" I replied, "But that's not why."

What's the reason you ask?

I had just watched a commercial for a new product from Kraft called 'Bagel-fuls'.

Now you're sitting there saying, "Hey man, calm down." Or, "Joe, maybe you should put on some pants." Or, "Take it easy dude, it's just a bagel with cream cheese inside."

Yeah, well it's not a bagel with cream cheese inside.  You see, the definition of a bagel from the American Heritage Dictionary is as follows:

ba·gel

n.   A glazed, ring-shaped roll with a tough, chewy texture, made from plain yeast dough that is dropped briefly into nearly boiling water and then baked. 

You see? It's not:

ba·gel

n.   A shitty 'Twinkie'-like log that can be filled with random garbage and frozen for the mass consumption of morons.

Now you're sitting there saying, "Oh Yeah Joe?  What about 'The McRib'?"

Over the years I have sat back and munched on some pretty shitty products I will admit.  On several occasions The McRib debate has come up.  For those of you who don't know, the McRib is a sandwich that McDonalds puts out every time the price of industrial pork drops below 26¢ a pound.

The argument:

"The McRib is nothing but ground pork reconstituted into the shape of  ribs on a bone.  It is not right to call the sandwich the McRib because it is not actually the meat from the ribs of the pig."

OK, I agree with the first part, the McRib is just ground pork.  As far as the naming of the sandwich goes I put it too you like this: What would you name it? The McPork?  The McOink? The McSow? 

The word 'McRib' itself means absolutely nothing, it does not derive from an ancient greek word, it comes from a marketing team.  Whereas the word 'bagel' does have roots elsewhere according to the Etymology Dictionary:

bagel 

From Yiddish beygl, from M.H.G. boug- "ring, bracelet," from O.H.G. boug, related to biogan "to bend" and O.E. beag"ring" (in poetry, an Anglo-Saxon lord was beaggifa "ring-giver"). 

At least the McRib is recognizable as a pork sandwich.  Bagel-fuls have nothing to do with bagels other than the fact that you put cream cheese on a bagel.  I would have no problem eating them if they were called, 'Kraft Cream Cheese Logs' or 'Kraft Breakfast Twinkies' other than that you are bastardizing the word.

Now I'm hungry.  I hope I still some 'Mini Pizza Bagels' in the freezer.

Adam Proteau is a Smug Bitch

Here is an excerpt from his latest blog at TheHockeyNews.com

"Only this season – when they’re already dead last in the Southeast division, one point out of last overall and coming off a six-game losing skid – it seems worse than ever. Their 30th-ranked power play, humming along at a blistering 11.1 percent efficiency rate, is pitiful in a way that would put the post-Jerry Maguire career of Cuba Gooding Jr. to shame."

What is this guys problem?

This is the strangest and most confusing reference I've ever read.

Why not use something like, '...the post-Night Court career of Harry Anderson to shame.' Or, '... the post-21 Jumpstreet career of Dustin Nguyen to shame.'

Oh, and by the way, writing an article about how the Panthers suck is like beating a blind kid with a dead cat, it's very easy to do and nobody wants to see it.
------------------
While I'm on the subject of blogs at The Hockey News, Dan Akeson the twerp who follows the Rangers had this to say about New York center, Brandon Dubinsky:

"Would GM Glen Sather trade a potential Hall of Fame center, one of the most promising young guns in the game, in the dawn of his career? Let's be honest and realistic...Dubinsky is the future and is being bred into a Messier-esque persona worthy of one day taking the reigns from Drury."

Dubinsky is a future hall of famer? What HOF is this idiot talking about? Did they open a Hall of Fame for over-rated players who average half a point a game in Crotch Lake Ontario that I didn't hear about?

Also, Messier's aren't bred, they are cyborgs built by Cyberdyne Systems for the sole purpose of winning championships and hurting Europeans.

Captain Charest Calls Opportunistic Election

Jean Charest, leader of the Liberal Party of Quebec, announced just 19 months into his government's mandate that Quebec is indeed heading for a December --- pardonnez moi --- 'Decembre' election.  This announcement just weeks after a poll suggested that the Liberals had 42% support in the province, putting them above the PQ and the ADQ, who are sitting at 34% and 14% respectively.(Leger Marketing)

Charest made the announcement to media during a press conference he called over-looking the St. Lawrence River.  He referred to Quebec's current minority government as "unsteady" with, "an economic storm on the horizon" and that the Liberal Party were the best crew to put, "at the helm".  After being drown out by the horn of a passing cargo ship, the leader went on to state that, "during a storm, you can't have three pairs of hands on the tiller."

Toot toot!!! All aboard that's coming aboard!!!

Now, I've never liked Jean Charest (I've never trusted a Conservative in Liberal clothing)  but this election call is, in my opinion, one of the most disgusting displays of opportunistic and selfish politics I've ever seen (and this is coming out of Quebec where the bar has been set high!).

In fact I am so disgusted that I actually find myself in total agreement with ADQ leader, Mario Dumont, a man who normally brings my piss to a boil.  

"The pretext is false, because it isn't about the economy, because no one will be taking care of it for the next several weeks." Dumont accused, "He has closed up shop.  He's putting the National Assembly up on blocks."

AMEN!  I hope that the people of Quebec see this election for what it is, and teach the Liberals a lesson. 

Don't get me wrong, I dislike the Parti Quebecois as much as I detest the ADQ, both being parties with serious undertones of racial bigotry that have cast a shadow over rural Quebec for many years, but as everyday citizens stand on the brink of losing everything they have, I believe that Mr. Charest should lose his post and be thrown into the Canadian political trash heap (say hi to Joe Clark for me).

The whole story stirs my shit further as Charest also showed of his campaign bus emblazoned with his 'new' slogan... "OUI".

The 'Yes' slogan was, and to a large degree, still is a phrase associated with the separatist movement in Quebec.  Now, why Charest and his Liberal strategy team have decided to open old cuts, and stir up memories of ugly time in this country's history is beyond me.  This comes about a year after PQ leader Pauline Marois publicly stated that the party would not pursue another referendum on sovereignty, instead choosing to focus on language laws.

Thus far Charest, in my eyes, has made all the wrong moves in Quebec and the fact that he failed to get a majority government last time out proves that the Liberals are on a sinking ship.I just wish that Charest would stop drilling holes in the deck.