Rum

I break the seal on the bottle and slip it back into the bag. It's ladies night around the shanty town and I'm out to get some leg. I've never been accused of being a lady killer (at least not outside the walls of a court room)so tonight I brought along my secret weapon, 26oz of liquid courage to turn me into a Casanova.

With the alley filling with the sounds of gin induced madness and fun, I hang back by my refrigerator box and scout the local talent.

"Suzie is a hot little number" I think to myself, "her lazy eye is a little off-putting though. How about Janet? No, not Janet. I once saw her do the splits and get stuck to the floor."

My eyes strain against the twilight, "Wait a second! I think that's Stacey from 12th street. When she smiles, that tooth of her can really light up a room." I slump my shoulders, "but I will never have the courage to talk to her..."

"That's why you brought me dummy!"

"What!?!? Who said that?" I stare around the corner expecting to see someone. Nothing.

"Down here dummy!" I look down at my right hand, It's my good old pal Rum!

"Here's what ya do pal" he whispers, "Drink me really quickly, and I will do all the talking."

"Good call," I whisper back, "You're tall, dark and flavourful. You're everything a women could ever want, Rum." I take a pull from the bottle, "How the fuck do you do it?"

"It's real easy pal" He answers me, "I don't think. I tell women what they want to hear. Take another drink of me and I will give you the pick up line that will have this woman leaving puddles on all the seats around here!" I slam the rest of the bottles contents down my throat and then hold it next to my ear.

"What now rum?" I ask, my head spinning from all the knowledge and wisdom I had just drank.

"What you do is, go over there and say..." His words enter my mind and I realize that Rum really does have all the answers, with these words I was sure to make Stacey my bedtime companion.

As I walk towards her brimming with confidence, I take another look at Rum, sitting on the box where I had set him down, "Remember!" He shouts after me, "Smooth and sophisticated... She wants you in her!"

With that I salute the bottle and press on.

As I get close to her, she looks up at me. Her beauty overcomes me and I almost retreat, but at this point I can hear Rum inside me, "No fear, just let me do the talking"

I look her in the eyes and speak...

"HEY!! Hey you bitch... Take off yer fuckin' shirt and let me put my love in youse!!"

On my way back to my box, my face still stinging from the slap I received, I look at the empty bottle and ask him what had happened.

"Well," He states, "You're a loser and you always will be! Now get in your box and jack off dummy! HAHAHAHA"

Rum, you got me again.

The Book Club

With the shanty town settling in for another night, the hobos all assemble for the nights activities.

"Ok ya idiots," I address the group, "it's Wednesday night, which means it's time for the book club meeting. I'm sure we all remember Shy Pete's reading of, 'The Back of a Latex Condom Box' last week, which turned into more of a 'show and tell' than a book club meeting..."

"A 'show and tell' I won easily!" David shouts out.

"You can't win a 'show and tell'!" Gary challenges.

"What's that Gary?!" David cups his hand to his ear, "I couldn't hear you over your tiny penis!" With that the crowd explodes into laughter and high-fives.

"Ok, shut up retards." I take back control of the meeting, "Tonite we will be reading a book I found in front of the primary school called, 'The Knight's Saga: A Choose Your Own Adventure Novel'." I hold the book up to the crowd, "Now, this is a democracy. We have 7 people here including myself, we will vote to see where we go in the story. Ok? Let us begin." I open the book and read...

*The mighty ship pulls into the dock. Your voyage at sea which has been long and arduous, is now at an end, but your journey has just begun. You collect you gear and exit the boat. You survey the land before you. To the east you see the small port town, to the west is a long road to the capital, which way do you choose?*

"Get to the town quickly, there might be a bar there." Larry shouts, "If anything you could go there and beg for gold!" all the other hobos seem to agree, so I continue...

*As you walk towards the town you see an old wooden crate, will you search the crate, or will you continue on to the town?*

This question arouses suspicion amongst the hobos."It's some sort of trick to make you lose hit points!" Billy shouts.

"Yeah, but who knows. There might be a sandwich in there, or a pair of old shoes! You know something useful!" Steve states, and most of the hobos agree."We can't afford NOT to look in there!" Cheers go up from the crowd for Steve's rousing speech.

*You search the crate and cut yourself on a loose nail, you lose 2 hit points.*

Billy jumps to his feet pointing at Steve."Ya see?! You're a loser Steve and ya always will be!"

"Sit down Billy." Steve pushes him over."You sound like my fuck'en dad."

With that, I continue...

*You enter the small town to see a hub of activity, merchants and farmers alike conversing about daily events, you see a tavern...*

"Go to the tavern!" the crowd shouts...

*You enter the dimly lit tavern and see a elegantly dressed woman at the bar, will you strike up a conversation?*

"Go to the page where you pull out your cock, and hit her in the mouth with it!" Old Eric high fives the crowd.

*The fair maiden tosses her hair back,"Buy me a drink?" she smiles. You look in your pockets and realize you only have enough money for one drink. Will you buy her, or yourself a drink?*

"Fuck that bitch!!!" Gary shouts as he takes a bottle out of his jacket, "Lets get wrecked!!!" With that the crowd goes nuts, everyone takes out bottles and the meeting breaks into a party. Old Eric pulls out his spoons and goes into an incredible rendition of Led Zeppelin's 'Black Dog'.

As the party heats up, I slink away into the back of the alley and into my box. Once inside I pull out a pencil and begin to sketch the girl I had just read about in the book.

I draw her sweet smile, her seductive yet gentle eyes. I think of her hair and imagine it dangling from her head down to her hips. This girl I think of, is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. Although I know she is only a dream, I feel something within me saying, "She is your destiny." for at that moment I believe that maybe, just maybe, if I were to clean myself up, go sober, and get a job... Pull myself out of this squalor and despair this dream girl might be attainable. I draw her curvaceous body, her long legs, her supple breasts, her...

"Woah!" I startle myself awake, and look down. "I got a massive boner! I better rub one out and get to sleep!" With that a take a bedtime swig of gin and get to work on the old pole.

Goodnight sweet world.