Feats of Strength

I slayed MC's back in the rec room era

My style broke motherfuckin' backs like Ken Patera

He is the microphone assassin 

Slick on the mic, nobody cuts a promo like Ken

The Book Club

With the shanty town settling in for another night, the hobos all assemble for the nights activities.

"Ok ya idiots," I address the group, "it's Wednesday night, which means it's time for the book club meeting. I'm sure we all remember Shy Pete's reading of, 'The Back of a Latex Condom Box' last week, which turned into more of a 'show and tell' than a book club meeting..."

"A 'show and tell' I won easily!" David shouts out.

"You can't win a 'show and tell'!" Gary challenges.

"What's that Gary?!" David cups his hand to his ear, "I couldn't hear you over your tiny penis!" With that the crowd explodes into laughter and high-fives.

"Ok, shut up retards." I take back control of the meeting, "Tonite we will be reading a book I found in front of the primary school called, 'The Knight's Saga: A Choose Your Own Adventure Novel'." I hold the book up to the crowd, "Now, this is a democracy. We have 7 people here including myself, we will vote to see where we go in the story. Ok? Let us begin." I open the book and read...

*The mighty ship pulls into the dock. Your voyage at sea which has been long and arduous, is now at an end, but your journey has just begun. You collect you gear and exit the boat. You survey the land before you. To the east you see the small port town, to the west is a long road to the capital, which way do you choose?*

"Get to the town quickly, there might be a bar there." Larry shouts, "If anything you could go there and beg for gold!" all the other hobos seem to agree, so I continue...

*As you walk towards the town you see an old wooden crate, will you search the crate, or will you continue on to the town?*

This question arouses suspicion amongst the hobos."It's some sort of trick to make you lose hit points!" Billy shouts.

"Yeah, but who knows. There might be a sandwich in there, or a pair of old shoes! You know something useful!" Steve states, and most of the hobos agree."We can't afford NOT to look in there!" Cheers go up from the crowd for Steve's rousing speech.

*You search the crate and cut yourself on a loose nail, you lose 2 hit points.*

Billy jumps to his feet pointing at Steve."Ya see?! You're a loser Steve and ya always will be!"

"Sit down Billy." Steve pushes him over."You sound like my fuck'en dad."

With that, I continue...

*You enter the small town to see a hub of activity, merchants and farmers alike conversing about daily events, you see a tavern...*

"Go to the tavern!" the crowd shouts...

*You enter the dimly lit tavern and see a elegantly dressed woman at the bar, will you strike up a conversation?*

"Go to the page where you pull out your cock, and hit her in the mouth with it!" Old Eric high fives the crowd.

*The fair maiden tosses her hair back,"Buy me a drink?" she smiles. You look in your pockets and realize you only have enough money for one drink. Will you buy her, or yourself a drink?*

"Fuck that bitch!!!" Gary shouts as he takes a bottle out of his jacket, "Lets get wrecked!!!" With that the crowd goes nuts, everyone takes out bottles and the meeting breaks into a party. Old Eric pulls out his spoons and goes into an incredible rendition of Led Zeppelin's 'Black Dog'.

As the party heats up, I slink away into the back of the alley and into my box. Once inside I pull out a pencil and begin to sketch the girl I had just read about in the book.

I draw her sweet smile, her seductive yet gentle eyes. I think of her hair and imagine it dangling from her head down to her hips. This girl I think of, is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. Although I know she is only a dream, I feel something within me saying, "She is your destiny." for at that moment I believe that maybe, just maybe, if I were to clean myself up, go sober, and get a job... Pull myself out of this squalor and despair this dream girl might be attainable. I draw her curvaceous body, her long legs, her supple breasts, her...

"Woah!" I startle myself awake, and look down. "I got a massive boner! I better rub one out and get to sleep!" With that a take a bedtime swig of gin and get to work on the old pole.

Goodnight sweet world.

AMC Can Quote Me, "Fuck Off!"

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Huge Find

Walking back to the shanty town I begin to feel peckish. "Hmmm, what shall I have italian or mexican?" I turn my head to see the old dumpster behind the 7/11, "Pizza sub or a taquito." It is quite dark in the alleyway so I blindly thrust my hand into the trash and hope to come up with something tasty...

After not much time I flip over a piece of cardboard and find a jet black Sony Walkman Professional portable cassette player

"HOLY SHIT!!!" I exclaim, as I inspect the contours of the machine, "Fast forward, re-wind, you can even record your own voice!!! State of the fuckin' art!"

With a jubliant fist pump to the Gods, I slap on the headphones and hit the play button... Nothing...

"No batteries," I say to myself, "I need some double A's, A.S.A.P." With that I run into the night.

It had been quite some time since I had heard recorded music, my favourite song of all time being 'Stairway To Heaven'. Although it was thoughtful of Old Eric to break out his instrument and play it for me on several occasions around the campfire, Led Zepplin just hadn't had the same effect on the spoons.

"Larry!" I call into the darness of the shanty town, "Larry! Where are you!"

"I'm right here you retard, what do you want?"

"Gimme the batteries outta your Glo Worm, I need them right now!" I scream.

"...but how am I gonna get to sleep..." A frown on his face told the story, Larry is afraid of the dark.

I reach into my pocket and pull out my sleep aid, "Trade you a fifth of Ripple." I smile.

"DEAL!" He grins back, not a tooth in his head.

With thoughts of music in my head I rip open the toy and pull out its batteries. As I put the headphones to my ears I feel the excitement. I open up the deck to see what is in the machine...

"Falco 3?"

*Play*

"*THUMP THUMP* Ohhh, rock me Amadeus. *THUMP THUMP*"

Whoa.

The Guns of Navarone

In international news, local oaf Joe Legere wins the World Series of Arm-Wrestling, only to have it stripped from him 3 seconds later when he was disqualified for using two hands and his teeth. When we tried to contact Mr. Legere for comments his father told our reporters that he was drunk in the basement, and not accepting calls. Reuters

Movie Review: The Substitute(1996) Tom Berenger

One word. Awesome. This film falls in under the category of my favourite type of flicks, teenagers getting beat up by highly trained mercenaries. Berenger comes into town and elbow smashes everything in sight and attempts to blow up a school in order to help the children. If you like seeing punk kids getting shot by people impersonating teachers, then "The Subsitute" is for you. An instant classic.

Rollin' at the Casino

I roll down the strip with a stash of 20's in my pocket. I've been rollin' drunks and collecting bottles all day, now it's time to make some smart investments. Freedom 21, days that is.

"Gimme a stack." I say to the dealer at the blackjack table, a pretty little number in a tight black skirt. "I want them all in $5's." That got her attention.

"A high roller eh? Well, I better treat you nice..." She pushes the stack of chips closer to me. As she bends down I catch a glimpse of her chest. Is she intentionally showing me her tits? Probably, I look pretty good in my red chucks.

With the dealer showing a 5 I look down at a 4 and a 7, "Double down baby." I state coolly, "and show me some paint." Bam! Jack of hearts. "Push me $9 sweet heart, keep a buck for yourself."

"Thank you sir." I can see her getting wet between the thighs, and I decide to take a pull on the Olde English I have in a bag under the table. The warm bitter taste rolls down my throat, and a little out the side of my mouth, if I had been wearing a shirt, it might had stained.

I say aloud to the table, "That's enough foreplay, let's finish what we started." as I push all my chips to the line I run my fingers through my hair, suave and sophisticated... Oh! I found a chicken wing!

With my $49 dollars straddling the line a long with my dignity, I can see a smile on the dealers face. If I win this, she's mine.

"21. Blackjack. Dealer wins" She sweeps all the chips off the table, and I am left penny less. With what pride I can muster I come up with something witty to say to the lady dealer.

"You stupid bitch!!! I'm gonna cut you!!! I'm gonna cut all of youse!!!"

As I'm escorted out by the security guards I poop in my hand and smear it on a patrons face. "Eat my misery!!! It tastes like peanuts."

Maybe next week... maybe next week.