Election Day: A Choose Your Own Adventure Story

This is a simulation of the 2008 Presidential Elections as played out by an American university student in a 'Choose Your Own Adventure' format.

Mark, is a 23 year old white male who attends a local university.

Election Day: Welcome To Gitmo

"Hey, this isn't a real ballot!" You scream while opening the curtain.

Suddenly, you find yourself on the floor after suffering a terrible blow to the chest. As the police throw you into the paddy wagon you ask why and where they are taking you.

"That's easy." Smiles the burly officer, "Why? Well you see son, you raised your voice in a polling station. Now under the 'Patriot Act', raising your voice in a polling station automatically makes you, an enemy combatant. Oh yeah, and where? That's easy son, you are on your way to Gitmo!!!"

With that, he closes the wagon door and you are sent to purgatory for doing you civic duty.

Election Day: Doritos Rock!!!

Confused by the ballots layout and your unrelenting hunger, you forget about Obama and decide to let a snack run the country.

This is another classic conservative move. Splitting the vote with a confusing ballot. This tactic was first employed 1968 when the democratic vote was split by 'Spaghetti-O's' and Richard Nixon rolled into the White House with 43.4% of the popular vote.

Election Day: Vote Obama

As you mark an 'X' beside Obama's name, you feel great. You have avoided all the distractions and done your patriotic duty as an American to vote for a better tomorrow.

With a satisfied grunt you leave the booth only to realize that while you were voting, the shady pollsters have moved your booth, with you in it, to a once abandoned field which is now populated with stoners and lesbians.

You have been profiled!!! The Republicans can spot a democrat from a mile away, and are always determined to send them miles away.

Election Day: A Choose Your Own Adventure

This is a simulation of the 2008 Presidential Elections as played out by an American university student in a 'Choose Your Own Adventure' format.

Mark, is a 23 year old white male who attends a local university.

Election Day: Marks Morning

You wake up at noon. You have slept through all of your morning classes, but this is not a problem because most of your professors are 'cool' or 'hip'. After all this is why you choose to go for a degree in the liberal arts, because timetables are created by 'fascists' that are only interested in 'bringing you down'.

School is not important to you today anyways. Today you have one goal to accomplish, head down to the post office, and vote OBAMA!

After pulling on your cargo shorts and slipping into a comfortable set of flip flops you head for the door.

"Hey man!!!" It's your roommate, Skylar, "Wanna do a bong hit?!?!"

What do you do?

Grab the bong.

Head for the post office.

Election Day: You're Stoned. You Fail!!!

After playing Mario Kart for 8 hours, and debating over what would have actually happened if Marty had seen himself in 'Back To The Future Part 2' you look at your watch to see that it is well past midnight and the polls are closed.

You have become an election day statistic that the Republican party relies on, 'the stoner segment', which is comprised of do gooder students that never make it out of their basement to vote for the democrats.

You go back to playing Mario Kart and vow not to let this happen aga... who ate the pizza?!?!

Election Day: The Quad

"No thanks dude."

As you walk through the campus you hear some alternative rock coming from the quad. You notice a poster that reads, "Hacky Sac and Frisbee Tournament Today!!!".

"Whoa! I love both those things!" You state aloud.

What do you do?

Head for the quad.

Keep walking to the post office.

Election Day: You've Been Roved! You Fail!!!

You enter into a circle of people and start to kick around the bean bag. You look over in the distance and see some people throwing around a Frisbee.

After a few hours of this somebody inquires as to who organized this event.

"Not I!" Says the gay guy from the student council.

"Not moi!" States the even gayer guy from the student union.

"It wasn't me." Grumbles the 300 pound lesbian from the library.

Suddenly it occurs to you all at the same time, you have all been duped by the Republican conspiracy. At universities all through the country liberal events, from legalization rallies to Phish concerts, have been organized to keep young voters away from polling stations.

In election terms, you've been 'Roved'.

Election Day: The Post Office

You arrive at the post office and are given what the shady person behind the desk assures you is an 'official ballot'. You are skeptical of the pollster with the shifty eyes, but figure that the whole thing is on the up and up.

You enter the voting booth, and peruse the ballot.

1) John McCain!!!

2) Barack Obama

3) Doritos

How will you vote?

Vote Obama

Doritos ARE Delicious!

"Hey! This isn't an official ballot!"

Pound For Pound

Did you know that former NHLer Peter Zezel's head weighs in at 42 pounds? That means that if his head were made of ground veal, it would be worth approximately $210, and could comfortably provide meals for a family of 4 up to 8 times!!! It's a fact!

T.V.'s 'Cousin Larry' Fathers A Winner

Did you know that 'Transformers' star Shia LeBeouf is actually the son of 'Perfect Strangers' actor Mark Linn-Baker?  It's true!  For years the case has been making it's way through the U.S. court system, until just recently a Chicago judge ruled that Linn-Baker is legally LeBeouf's father.

A confused Shayna Saide, the actor's biological mother, was questioned by reporters outside of the courthouse. "I don't understand. I never had sex with 'Cousin Larry'."  She stated making reference to Linn-Baker's lovable character.

According to testimony, shortly after the filming of the second episode of season one, titled 'Picture This', Linn-Baker entered a unisex bathroom at a coffee shop nearby the Warner Bros. studio lot. Upon entering the bathroom he began to masturbate, evidently leaving remnants of the deed on the toilet seat.  A short time later Saide, who also frequented the coffee shop during the mid-eighties, unsuspectingly sat down on the soiled seat.

When asked how he realized that Shia was his son, Linn-Baker replied, "Because I watched the whole thing happen! I set that trap in a dozen Hollywood bathrooms in the fall of '85, hoping to father a winner!  My dedication finally paid off!"

Mark Linn-Baker is also suspected to have fathered Amanda Bynes, as well as the Olsen twins

Rocky IV

So I'm sitting in A&W eating 3 Grandpa burgers, (that's 9 burger patties, for anyone keeping count) when some jackass walks up to me and says, "Rocky IV is a retarded movie, it is just a 2 hour montage with no storyline!"

Now this same scenario has happened to me on countless occasions, at countless fast food establishments, so naturally I was totally prepared to shut this guy down.

"Actually sir," I begin, "Rocky IV is only 1 hour and 31 minutes long, and features a total of 25 minutes and 54 seconds of montage. Meaning that if I were to round down, the movie is only about 28% montage."

Dumbfounded, he comes back at me, "... Yeah, but do your statistics include the 'end credits photo montage'?"

"All 3 minutes and 50 seconds of it." I state coolly.

Suddenly, the manager comes out from behind the deep-fryer and points to my intellectual opponent, "It's over pal. I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

Game, set, match.

Top 5 Most Hated, and By Whom: Hockey

I love hockey, both the game and it's history. I believe that it is my favourite sport to watch simply because it's athletes and front office guys can seem, at one moment to be bigger than life, while at the next come of as being just one of the guys. They say that if the hockey pool is 1000 feet wide, it is only 1 inch deep, in that, every single person within the game knows each other. The same can be said of the fans. Almost every single hockey enthusiast that I know has a story about an NHLer that has to be told (apparently goaltender Kevin Weekes can stick his dick in his own ass). Any fan can become emotionally attached to their favourite player, as their on-ice vision becomes your on-ice dream.

With this in mind we can also see why some people attached to the hockey world are seen as pariahs, but are not viewed as such by all. Here is my list of the top 5 most hated characters in hockey, and whom they are hated by:

5) Eric Lindros vs. The People of Quebec City

Drafted first over all by the Quebec Nordiques in 1991, Lindros' relationship with the of Quebec city was rocky from the get-go. 'The Big E' refused to report to the Nordiques training camp, instead opting to eat peanut butter sandwiches in his mother's basement and spending time with his brother Brett who suffers from Down Syndrome. Many cite Eric's (Bonnie's) decision, not to play in Quebec, as one of the main reasons that the Nordiques moved to Colorado.

Check out the draft footage here.

4) The Legacy Of Harold Ballard vs. Leafs Nation

Legend has it, that Harold Ballard won control of the Leafs during a late night drinking contest with Stafford Smythe at the 'Hot Stove Bar' located in the old Maple Leaf Gardens. While Ballard turned the Maple Leafs into a financial juggernaut, the on-ice product was destroyed in almost irreversible ways. No friend of the fans, Ballard traded leaf favourite, Lanny McDonald in 1979 as a way to demoralize Darryl Sittler. In return he received Wilf Paiement from the Rockies. Paiement was forced to wear #99 by Ballard upon his arrival, a move Ballard thought would convince the fans that they were getting a very special player. In another controversial move, Ballard had a large portrait of Queen Elizabeth II removed in 1968 to make room for more seats. When asked about it by the media Ballard replied, "She doesn't pay me, I pay her. Besides, what the hell position can a queen play?"

Ballard was convicted on 48 counts of fraud in 1972, and spent 1 year in Millhaven maximum-security prison. He was later used as the basis for a Tragically hip song.

3) Ulf Samuelsson vs. The People of Boston

In 1991 Ulf Sameulsson injured Cam Neely with what is considered a borderline check by most hockey fans, but in Boston it was considered an attack against the city itself. As a result of this check, Neely developed 'myositis ossificans' in the injured area a condition were an injured muscle calcifies and essentially turns to bone. Neely would return to the NHL, but would ultimately retire because of the injury. Since his retirement in '96, the Bruins have not made it pat the first round of the playoffs.

Here is footage of the hit, and an awesome newsreel of the lead up to game 4 of the series.

2) Bill Wirtz vs. The People of Chicago

Have you ever sat back and tried to imagine life after you have died? How people would react to your passing? Or what would be your lasting legacy? I wonder if the former owner of the Chicago Blackhawks, Bill Wirtz, could have guessed that a packed house at the United Center would boo his memorial service and cat call all the way through a moment of silence in his honour. There are several reasons for the Chicago faithful to hate him, some with reason, others without. A legendary miser, Wirtz is blamed for the losses of Denis Savard, as well as trading away Ed Belfour and Jeremy Roenick in their prime. The biggest thing Wirtz will be remembered for is his refusal to broadcast Blackhawk home games, stating that it would be unfair to season ticket holders. Now with Wirtz out of the picture Chicago fans finally have something to look forward to, both at the United Center, and on their T.V.'s.

Checkout this fan made video from Bill Wirtz's Memorial, as the fans boo relentlessly.

1) Claude Lemieux vs. The People of Detroit

A vicious bodycheck from behind sparked one of the most violent rivalries in the modern era. In the '96 playoffs Claude Lemieux lined up Kris Draper from behind and unleashed one of the dirtiest hits in NHL history. 76 stitches later, Kris Draper and the wings returned next year to square off in a memorable rematch that saw a brutal line brawl and the infamous Lemieux-McCarty 'Turtle Incident'. After much big-talk from the Detroit media and fans, Lemieux stepped up to the challenge and cleaned McCarty's clock in his return to Joe Louis arena. The rivalry continued several years after Lemieux's retirement on an episode of Spike T.V.'s 'Pros vs. Joe's' when Lemieux knocked 2 teeth out of a contestant, and avid Red Wing's fan's mouth.

Legends of Hockey: Basil McRae

Standing at an even 6 feet and weighing in at a powerful 205 pounds, Basil McRae tormented NHL tough guys for 16 seasons.

McRae, now retired, is remembered primarily as a 'heavy bag with eyes' but some remember McRae as a 'heavy bag with heart'.

During the '88-'89 campaign, McRae registered 31 points and 365 penalty minutes with the Minnesota North Stars. This was followed by an astonishing playoffs where he managed to pick up 58 penalty minutes in a mere 5 games!(six fighting majors, two-ten minute misconducts, and two double minors for holding when he tried to drown Sergio Momesso and Cliff Ronning in a puddle left by the Zamboni).

According to legend, McRae's head was so large and square that he had to commission CCM to create a specially designed helmet to his personal specifications. The original model was simply a milk crate with a chin strap which he wore while playing with the London Knights during the '78-'79 OHA season.

In this fight with the late John Kordic, the Leaf defenseman makes the mistake of taking of McRae's helmet in the late stages of the bout. Kordic's hand was broken in six places after hitting the corner McRae's head, when asked after the game what it was like, Kordic responded, "Have you ever punched the corner of a fridge as hard as you could, just because you were out of bolony? No? Well that's what happens on a cocaine high!"

Moose Sighting!!!

What's the weirdest photo I've ever seen? No Contest.

Conscious Rap: East Coast vs. West Coast

In 1988 during a Boogie Down Products/Public Enemy concert a fight broke and a young man in the audience was killed. Already effected by the previous murder of his friend and DJ, Scott La Rock, KRS-One sprung into action and assembled a group of the biggest rap stars from the east coast. The name? 'The Stop The Violence Movement', performing the hit single 'Self-Destruction' in 1989.

'Self-Destruction' was, and still is a classic rap track with a definite message, an excellent beat, and an interesting hook. With rappers like Heavy D, Doug E. Fresh, and Public Enemy teaming up with now lesser known artists Delite, Daddy-O, and Just-Ice to name a few, this song exploded onto the scene and caused a ground swell of emotion at the time. Mainly dealing with the idea of violence in general, the song also targets the idea of 'black-on-black' crime, a central theme of the 'Conscious Rap' movement of the day.

One year later, spurred on by greed and envy, the 'West Coast All-Stars' arrived with, 'We're All In The Same Gang'. Produced by Dr. Dre, it is a pretty bare-bones beat and featured a now forgotten Michel'le singing the hook;

Don't you know we've got to put our heads together?
Make the change 'cause we're all in the same gang

Now, as you can probably tell I enjoy the first song over the second, both musically and in message. When listening to 'Self-Destruction' I can feel the history and the mood behind it. An event sparked the telling of a story that was years in the making, black-on-black violence was tearing a community apart and portraying the young black male in a most negative light, as Heavy D says in the song;

They call us animals
Uhnn uhnn I don't agree with them
"I'll prove them wrong"
But right is what you're proving them

The problem with rap music rears it's ugly head in "We're All in the Same Gang". The song could technically be considered a sort of glorified P.S.A, along the lines of "This is your brain on drugs" the classic Astar War Amps P.S.A. from the late 80's, and this one from Pee Wee Herman. Unfortunately this song simply furthers the idea that to be black one has to act 'hard'. What right do Dr. Dre and MC Ren have to say stop the violence? None. They were members of N.W.A. (Niggas With Attitudes) and 'pioneers' of the gangster rap movement, that this song should essentially be about abolishing. Take these lyrics;

Yo, we're not here to preach because we're not ministers
We're tellin' it like it is 'cause Ren and Dre are like sinister

Why, in a song about ending violence do we still have people rapping about how sinister and tough they are? Yes, it would be hypocritical to have these two violent artists 'preach' to the youth about ending violence, but that is my point, don't put them in the song!

Then we have Eazy E headlining a song about ending violence, a man who 2 years prior to this song rapped;

Straight outta Compton
Is a brother that'll smother yo' mother
And make ya sister think I love her

... And

So what about the bitch who got shot? Fuck her!
You think I give a damn about a bitch? I ain't a sucker!

After he throws down some lyrics about people dying because they are not tough enough for the streets and how he's so hard that he can't 'preach' to you, he ends this disaster of a song by saying;

Take notes from Easy-E, the violent hero.

Come on now. Am I the only one who finds this frustrating.

Now head lining 'Self Destruction' we have Public Enemy, a group that could just as easily be
classified as violent. The distinction for Chuck D has always been the idea of violence as a last
resort, and not for snatching gold chains or robbing purses in the streets, but for achieving a
higher level of life for his brothers and sisters through organized political upheaval. Whether or
not you or I agree with his message isn't the point, the real point is that the story he tells does
have a message.

On a side note I would also like to mention the presence of Stetsasonic in this in this song.
I was introduced to them recently and I like their addition to 'Self-Destruction' very much. They are primarily remembered for performing with a live band, and dealt with dark subjects using uplifting lyrics. Check out the song A.F.R.I.C.A. if you can, it's a little cheesy and raw, but enjoyable.

Also on a personal note, I am 50-50 with the inclusion of Ice T on the west coast track. I have always felt while listening to his music and reading his interviews that Ice T tends to me more of a story teller. Two years after the release of 'We're All in the Same Gang' Ice T and his rapcore group 'Body Count' would wind up in a lot of hot water over the release of the single 'Cop Killer'. Ice T stated that the song was political in nature, but he had actually written it from the view of a fictional character, "I ain't never killed no cop. I felt like it a lot of times. But I never did it. If you believe that I'm a cop killer, you believe David Bowie is an astronaut." As an adult, I personally think that the song and the album are both fantastic, because I can understand what is happening, but would I let a 6-16 year old listen to it? Probably not.

On a lighter note, here is Ice T in the 1984 cult classic, 'Breakin'. Ice T can now be seen beating up retarded children every week on the Emmy award winning series; 'Law and Order: Special Victims Unit".

If you have never seen or the songs here they are, and you can make up your own mind.

'Self-Destruction' by The Stop the Violence Movement

'We're All in the Same Gang' by The West Coast All-Stars

Fan Mail "Re: Bombay Nights"

Here at The Myth of Domination we received an overwhelming amount of fan mail for our latest post, "Bombay Nights" and would like to take a time out for the fans.

Little Ingrid M. from Toronto ON. writes:

That was the fucking best! So goddamn funny! I really like the parts about Chelios' nose and Joshua Jackson being a little girl!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We at The Myth of Domination appreciate your enthusiasm, but would like to remind you that this entry was entirely factual. It took a team of 13 writers and 2 scientists to put it together.

Regards

Bombay Nights

Here is a simple equation for you:

[D1+D2+D3 x Gordon Bombay]+[Adam Banks-Charlie Conway]=Awesome

The Mighty Ducks thrillogy kicked so much ass, it left the theatre looking like a skid mark. Now, every now and then I will be having a pint somewhere, or stealing condoms from the walk-in clinic, and some asshole will come up to me and say, "Hey! The Mighty Ducks was an AWFUL MOVIE!!!" This scenario happens to me at least once a week, and I have to lay these dunderheaded morons out with a whole lot of truth.

Here are some facts about the making of the trilogy:

1) Emilio Estevez beat out Charlton Heston, Chuck Norris, and Tony Danza for the role of Gordon Bombay

2) Emilio Estevez was paid a Hollywood record of 15 million dollars for his role in the first movie, a record he shattered when Disney paid him 25 million for the second movie. He agreed to appear in the 3rd movie 'pro bono' as long as then president Bill Clinton signed a bill increasing the minimum wage, proving that Emilio Estevez is an 'everyman'.

3) Vincent LaRusso, who played the role of Adam Banks was actually genetically engineered for the movie. Disney took sperm from Luc Robitallie, Cam Neely, Chris Chelios, and grew him in a petrie dish. Although originally named 'Luc Neelios' Disney renamed him Vincent and had him adopted by a family who lived by the studio lot. Robitaillie, Neely, and Chelios were given cameos in the the sequel for their efforts.

4) During a test screening of D2 parents complained that a close-up shot of Chris Chelios' nose was too graphic. Rather than risk an "R" rating, Disney cut the shot and instead got a "PG" rating.

5) The Fulton Reed character is based on late NHL tough guy John Kordic. In a bizarre twist of fate, Elden Henson, the actor who portrayed the character was also badly beaten by Montreal police while on drugs. When asked about the incident Henson replied, "They we're just angry because I tried to eat them, but hey! That's what happens on a cocaine high!" John Kordic could not be reached for comment, as he is dead.

6) In the original script, the Charlie Conway character was written for a girl. This is why Joshua Jackson cries throughout the entire trilogy.

7) The role of Wolf "The Dentist" Stansson was played by Carsten Norgaard, but only as a second choice. Director Sam Weisman actually was in talks with NHL veteran Esa Tikkanen, until it was noticed that nobody could understand him, and he is also illiterate.

TNBC Revealed: City Guys(1997-2007)

Ok. Do you remember that show on TNBC called 'City Guys' back in the day? It was the one with the white guy and the black guy who originally don't get along because of their whiteness and their blackness, but learn to overcome and be friends at their inner-city school. Yet, every episode their whiteness and their blackness comes to a head and they can no longer be friends, but then the wise black principal shows them the error of their ways.

Yeah, well I was just doing some research and I found out that the one who played the white guy also played Gunnar Stahl in The Mighty Ducks 2!!!

OUTRAGEOUS!!!

Stupidest Thing I Have Ever Said?

"You guys are idiots! Rocky IV is easily the best of the trilogy... Pass me another Schlitz!"

Internet Poker Survival Guide

The Myth of Domination:

Becoming an Internet Billionaire, at the 10 Cent Table



Pop quiz, you have been dealt pocket kings in the small blind. The entire table folds, leaving you and the big blind to battle it out, mathematically what are the odds that your opponent is holding pocket aces?
If you attempted to think about this logically, perhaps you went on the Internet to find the answer, or you reached for a calculator to figure it out, I will save you the time. Here is the correct mathematical equation:

(r x 52 + 11 x b)[(cos) –1] = Your Fucked


I’m going to make this real easy for you. MATH DOES NOT MATTER IN THE WORLD OF INTERNET POKER. Anybody who tells you differently is a loser!
So now you are sitting there with your mouth open. I have just blown your tiny little world into a million pieces. “…But if math is irrelevant, how will I achieve my goal of becoming an Internet poker billionaire?” You ask, your breath reeking of energy drinks.
Cheating? There are several different ways to cheat playing Internet poker, I do not advocate cheating. I love the game of poker, and cheating simply spits on the game that I love.
All you have to do is realize what Internet poker is really about, your online persona. The biggest advantage that you have in online poker is the fact that you are virtually anonymous, allowing you to be whoever you want to be. Are you a middle-aged short order cook? Well, in the world of online poker why don’t you become a venture capitalist, or a professor of political science? It’s up to you!
Developing your online persona has two desired effects. #1, if used properly you can make your opponents make uncharacteristic mistakes, and #2, it is incredibly fun to annoy and mock players while hiding behind the guise of your new self.
“Wait a second!?!?!” You shout, “I thought you ‘loved the game of poker’ isn’t being a poor sport a form of spitting on the game that you love?” Well played reader, and technically you are right. Showboating, mocking, and general dickatry is definitely frowned upon in a live game, and often time warrants a severe beating. Online poker on the other hand is not real poker. As a general rule of thumb, in order to be considered a real card player, you have to at least put on pants, and leave the house once in a while.

Your Online Persona: Female
AllAmericanGirl

I am going to make a sweeping generalization here; I believe that it is safe to say that if you are reading this, you are probably a dude. I know that there are plenty of women out there who play cards, but it is, in most cases a male dominated game. With this in mind, a female character is a great tool in the online world, for a few different reasons.
A lot of online players are grungy males in their 20’s and 30’s. A good percentage of these males have never kissed a girl, in real life you can pick these guys out from a mile away, on the Internet it might be a little tougher but there are always signs that you are playing against a desperate male. Once you pick out your mark, it will be easy to lead them on. Suddenly, all their money is gone and you are having a good laugh. Take this example:



SouthernMan1982: Hey AllAmericanGirl where you from?

Here we are lucky, his name is very descriptive. Before we even get into a conversation with him we can deduce that he is a 25 year old from the southern states, so we set the bait:

AllAmericanGirl: Texas, U?
SouthernMan1982: Really? I’m from Lubbock Texas.
AllAmericanGirl: That’s awesome, I’m from San Antonio
SouthernMan1982: The big city, lol, how old are you?
AllAmericanGirl: 25
Dealer: AllAmericanGirl wins pot ($2.35)
SouthernMan1982: Wow! Me too.

No shit Sherlock. Now that we have this pigeon eating out of our hands we take his mind off the game and have him tell us things about himself.

AllAmericanGirl: What do u do for a living?
SouthernMan1982: Play poker : ) and work out…
AllAmericanGirl: Wow, that’s cool.
SouthernMan1982: I know, lol
Dealer: AllAmericanGirl wins pot ($3.80)
SouthernMan1982: Man… I gotta start paying attention : )


This dude is totally feeling a love connection and we have pulled a couple of dollars out of his stack while he was flustered thinking about a way to ask you out, time to go in for the kill.

SouthernMan1982: You play at Kickapoo Casino?
AllAmericanGirl: Ya, maybe I can see you there
SouthernMan1982: Really! How will I know you?
AllAmericanGirl: I will be the dude tea bagging your stack
Dealer: AllAmericanGirl wins pot ($5.15)
SouthernMan1982: PHuck you!!! You PhuCkin Fa G!!!
AllAmericanGirl: HAHAHAHA, I have a PENIS!!!

As you can see in this example, we have accomplished our main goal of taking his mind off the game, as well as our secondary goal of humiliating him. Now with him steaming we sign on to another account and follow him to his next table using the search feature.

TheRailer: Hello Table
Aznazazn: Hi
NovakB12: Welcome
SouthernMan1982: Hey
TheRailer: SouthernMan? Weren’t you just cybering with a dude on that 10 cent table?
SouthernMan1982: Phuck you!!! Phucker!!!
Dealer: TheRailer wins pot ($3.15)
Aznazazn: LOL!!! What A gay donkey!!
NovakB12: HAHAHAHA Gearbox!!!

Now with this player marginalized by his own anger, you are in a prime position to dominate a 6 handed table. Also with your witty retelling of the story, you will be the toast of the table for the rest of the session!

Restaurant Review: Bagel World

Prepared to spend the entire day at home doing laundry and other household chores, I grow agitated and decide to head down the block in search of something to do.

As I hit the corner I notice a new coffee shop/eatery. "Hmm... 'Bagel World' eh?" I say to myself, "Let's give it a shot."

Being a huge fan of a nice bagel with cream cheese, I already have my mind made up before I get to the counter, "Toasted poppy seed with cream cheese" I state.

As I wait on my order I overhear a conversation that makes my blood boil, "So then I said to Andrew, 'If you expect me to vacation in Hawaii you have another thing coming!!! It's Europe or nothing!' That got his attention!" Says some over-tanned 40-something in an outrageously large brimmed hat to her cackling horror show of a friend.

I shake off my rage and reach for my bagel, it looks good and I slowly calm down. I reach into my pocket preparing to pay for my cream cheese bagel and can of ginger ale.

"$7. 87" The clerk(and who I assume is the owner) holds out his hand.

"What?" I turn around, believing that he may be talking to someone else.

"Your order comes to $7.87." Flustered, I look to the menu board to see that a toasted bagel retails for $1.50, reasonable, but that same bagel suddenly costs $4.95 with cream cheese. Always a respectful customer I come up with a calm, almost tacit response.

"Are you fuckin' retarded!? That's almost 3 and a half dollars for cream cheese?!"

The owner seeing several people in the line behind decides to play off the situation as a big joke and says aloud, "I guess that means you won't be leaving a tip?" The 2 tanned idiots behind me have a chuckle with the owner and I am suddenly overcome with rage.

"Of course I will leave a tip! I figure this is worth about $1.75!" I laugh as I scrape the cream cheese off the top half of my bagel into the tip jar, "Oh and one more thing. Go fuck yourself!"

"Get outta here, and don't come back!" He shouts after me.

Although the prices were a little over the top, and some of the patrons were self absorbed sluts, I was impressed with the shop's cleanliness, ample indoor seating, and spacious patio. Not to mention the bagel was excellent!

9/10!!!

Rum

I break the seal on the bottle and slip it back into the bag. It's ladies night around the shanty town and I'm out to get some leg. I've never been accused of being a lady killer (at least not outside the walls of a court room)so tonight I brought along my secret weapon, 26oz of liquid courage to turn me into a Casanova.

With the alley filling with the sounds of gin induced madness and fun, I hang back by my refrigerator box and scout the local talent.

"Suzie is a hot little number" I think to myself, "her lazy eye is a little off-putting though. How about Janet? No, not Janet. I once saw her do the splits and get stuck to the floor."

My eyes strain against the twilight, "Wait a second! I think that's Stacey from 12th street. When she smiles, that tooth of her can really light up a room." I slump my shoulders, "but I will never have the courage to talk to her..."

"That's why you brought me dummy!"

"What!?!? Who said that?" I stare around the corner expecting to see someone. Nothing.

"Down here dummy!" I look down at my right hand, It's my good old pal Rum!

"Here's what ya do pal" he whispers, "Drink me really quickly, and I will do all the talking."

"Good call," I whisper back, "You're tall, dark and flavourful. You're everything a women could ever want, Rum." I take a pull from the bottle, "How the fuck do you do it?"

"It's real easy pal" He answers me, "I don't think. I tell women what they want to hear. Take another drink of me and I will give you the pick up line that will have this woman leaving puddles on all the seats around here!" I slam the rest of the bottles contents down my throat and then hold it next to my ear.

"What now rum?" I ask, my head spinning from all the knowledge and wisdom I had just drank.

"What you do is, go over there and say..." His words enter my mind and I realize that Rum really does have all the answers, with these words I was sure to make Stacey my bedtime companion.

As I walk towards her brimming with confidence, I take another look at Rum, sitting on the box where I had set him down, "Remember!" He shouts after me, "Smooth and sophisticated... She wants you in her!"

With that I salute the bottle and press on.

As I get close to her, she looks up at me. Her beauty overcomes me and I almost retreat, but at this point I can hear Rum inside me, "No fear, just let me do the talking"

I look her in the eyes and speak...

"HEY!! Hey you bitch... Take off yer fuckin' shirt and let me put my love in youse!!"

On my way back to my box, my face still stinging from the slap I received, I look at the empty bottle and ask him what had happened.

"Well," He states, "You're a loser and you always will be! Now get in your box and jack off dummy! HAHAHAHA"

Rum, you got me again.