The Myth of Domination:
Becoming an Internet Billionaire, at the 10 Cent Table
Pop quiz, you have been dealt pocket kings in the small blind. The entire table folds, leaving you and the big blind to battle it out, mathematically what are the odds that your opponent is holding pocket aces?
If you attempted to think about this logically, perhaps you went on the Internet to find the answer, or you reached for a calculator to figure it out, I will save you the time. Here is the correct mathematical equation:
(r x 52 + 11 x b)[(cos) –1] = Your Fucked
I’m going to make this real easy for you. MATH DOES NOT MATTER IN THE WORLD OF INTERNET POKER. Anybody who tells you differently is a loser!
So now you are sitting there with your mouth open. I have just blown your tiny little world into a million pieces. “…But if math is irrelevant, how will I achieve my goal of becoming an Internet poker billionaire?” You ask, your breath reeking of energy drinks.
Cheating? There are several different ways to cheat playing Internet poker, I do not advocate cheating. I love the game of poker, and cheating simply spits on the game that I love.
All you have to do is realize what Internet poker is really about, your online persona. The biggest advantage that you have in online poker is the fact that you are virtually anonymous, allowing you to be whoever you want to be. Are you a middle-aged short order cook? Well, in the world of online poker why don’t you become a venture capitalist, or a professor of political science? It’s up to you!
Developing your online persona has two desired effects. #1, if used properly you can make your opponents make uncharacteristic mistakes, and #2, it is incredibly fun to annoy and mock players while hiding behind the guise of your new self.
“Wait a second!?!?!” You shout, “I thought you ‘loved the game of poker’ isn’t being a poor sport a form of spitting on the game that you love?” Well played reader, and technically you are right. Showboating, mocking, and general dickatry is definitely frowned upon in a live game, and often time warrants a severe beating. Online poker on the other hand is not real poker. As a general rule of thumb, in order to be considered a real card player, you have to at least put on pants, and leave the house once in a while.
Your Online Persona: Female
AllAmericanGirl
I am going to make a sweeping generalization here; I believe that it is safe to say that if you are reading this, you are probably a dude. I know that there are plenty of women out there who play cards, but it is, in most cases a male dominated game. With this in mind, a female character is a great tool in the online world, for a few different reasons.
A lot of online players are grungy males in their 20’s and 30’s. A good percentage of these males have never kissed a girl, in real life you can pick these guys out from a mile away, on the Internet it might be a little tougher but there are always signs that you are playing against a desperate male. Once you pick out your mark, it will be easy to lead them on. Suddenly, all their money is gone and you are having a good laugh. Take this example:
SouthernMan1982: Hey AllAmericanGirl where you from?
Here we are lucky, his name is very descriptive. Before we even get into a conversation with him we can deduce that he is a 25 year old from the southern states, so we set the bait:
AllAmericanGirl: Texas, U?
SouthernMan1982: Really? I’m from Lubbock Texas.
AllAmericanGirl: That’s awesome, I’m from San Antonio
SouthernMan1982: The big city, lol, how old are you?
AllAmericanGirl: 25
Dealer: AllAmericanGirl wins pot ($2.35)
SouthernMan1982: Wow! Me too.
No shit Sherlock. Now that we have this pigeon eating out of our hands we take his mind off the game and have him tell us things about himself.
AllAmericanGirl: What do u do for a living?
SouthernMan1982: Play poker : ) and work out…
AllAmericanGirl: Wow, that’s cool.
SouthernMan1982: I know, lol
Dealer: AllAmericanGirl wins pot ($3.80)
SouthernMan1982: Man… I gotta start paying attention : )
This dude is totally feeling a love connection and we have pulled a couple of dollars out of his stack while he was flustered thinking about a way to ask you out, time to go in for the kill.
SouthernMan1982: You play at Kickapoo Casino?
AllAmericanGirl: Ya, maybe I can see you there
SouthernMan1982: Really! How will I know you?
AllAmericanGirl: I will be the dude tea bagging your stack
Dealer: AllAmericanGirl wins pot ($5.15)
SouthernMan1982: PHuck you!!! You PhuCkin Fa G!!!
AllAmericanGirl: HAHAHAHA, I have a PENIS!!!
As you can see in this example, we have accomplished our main goal of taking his mind off the game, as well as our secondary goal of humiliating him. Now with him steaming we sign on to another account and follow him to his next table using the search feature.
TheRailer: Hello Table
Aznazazn: Hi
NovakB12: Welcome
SouthernMan1982: Hey
TheRailer: SouthernMan? Weren’t you just cybering with a dude on that 10 cent table?
SouthernMan1982: Phuck you!!! Phucker!!!
Dealer: TheRailer wins pot ($3.15)
Aznazazn: LOL!!! What A gay donkey!!
NovakB12: HAHAHAHA Gearbox!!!
Now with this player marginalized by his own anger, you are in a prime position to dominate a 6 handed table. Also with your witty retelling of the story, you will be the toast of the table for the rest of the session!
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