Rum

I break the seal on the bottle and slip it back into the bag. It's ladies night around the shanty town and I'm out to get some leg. I've never been accused of being a lady killer (at least not outside the walls of a court room)so tonight I brought along my secret weapon, 26oz of liquid courage to turn me into a Casanova.

With the alley filling with the sounds of gin induced madness and fun, I hang back by my refrigerator box and scout the local talent.

"Suzie is a hot little number" I think to myself, "her lazy eye is a little off-putting though. How about Janet? No, not Janet. I once saw her do the splits and get stuck to the floor."

My eyes strain against the twilight, "Wait a second! I think that's Stacey from 12th street. When she smiles, that tooth of her can really light up a room." I slump my shoulders, "but I will never have the courage to talk to her..."

"That's why you brought me dummy!"

"What!?!? Who said that?" I stare around the corner expecting to see someone. Nothing.

"Down here dummy!" I look down at my right hand, It's my good old pal Rum!

"Here's what ya do pal" he whispers, "Drink me really quickly, and I will do all the talking."

"Good call," I whisper back, "You're tall, dark and flavourful. You're everything a women could ever want, Rum." I take a pull from the bottle, "How the fuck do you do it?"

"It's real easy pal" He answers me, "I don't think. I tell women what they want to hear. Take another drink of me and I will give you the pick up line that will have this woman leaving puddles on all the seats around here!" I slam the rest of the bottles contents down my throat and then hold it next to my ear.

"What now rum?" I ask, my head spinning from all the knowledge and wisdom I had just drank.

"What you do is, go over there and say..." His words enter my mind and I realize that Rum really does have all the answers, with these words I was sure to make Stacey my bedtime companion.

As I walk towards her brimming with confidence, I take another look at Rum, sitting on the box where I had set him down, "Remember!" He shouts after me, "Smooth and sophisticated... She wants you in her!"

With that I salute the bottle and press on.

As I get close to her, she looks up at me. Her beauty overcomes me and I almost retreat, but at this point I can hear Rum inside me, "No fear, just let me do the talking"

I look her in the eyes and speak...

"HEY!! Hey you bitch... Take off yer fuckin' shirt and let me put my love in youse!!"

On my way back to my box, my face still stinging from the slap I received, I look at the empty bottle and ask him what had happened.

"Well," He states, "You're a loser and you always will be! Now get in your box and jack off dummy! HAHAHAHA"

Rum, you got me again.