"Joe!!! What's wrong?!?!? Why are you throwing things?!?!? Why did you break that baseball bat over your knee a la Bo Jackson circa 1991?!?!" My wife screamed, "Are you drunk?!?!"
"NO!!! I mean YES!!!" I replied, "But that's not why."
What's the reason you ask?
Now you're sitting there saying, "Hey man, calm down." Or, "Joe, maybe you should put on some pants." Or, "Take it easy dude, it's just a bagel with cream cheese inside."
Yeah, well it's not a bagel with cream cheese inside. You see, the definition of a bagel from the American Heritage Dictionary is as follows:
ba·gel
n. A glazed, ring-shaped roll with a tough, chewy texture, made from plain yeast dough that is dropped briefly into nearly boiling water and then baked.
You see? It's not:
ba·gel
n. A shitty 'Twinkie'-like log that can be filled with random garbage and frozen for the mass consumption of morons.
Now you're sitting there saying, "Oh Yeah Joe? What about 'The McRib'?"
Over the years I have sat back and munched on some pretty shitty products I will admit. On several occasions The McRib debate has come up. For those of you who don't know, the McRib is a sandwich that McDonalds puts out every time the price of industrial pork drops below 26¢ a pound.
The argument:
"The McRib is nothing but ground pork reconstituted into the shape of ribs on a bone. It is not right to call the sandwich the McRib because it is not actually the meat from the ribs of the pig."
OK, I agree with the first part, the McRib is just ground pork. As far as the naming of the sandwich goes I put it too you like this: What would you name it? The McPork? The McOink? The McSow?
The word 'McRib' itself means absolutely nothing, it does not derive from an ancient greek word, it comes from a marketing team. Whereas the word 'bagel' does have roots elsewhere according to the Etymology Dictionary:
bagel
From Yiddish beygl, from M.H.G. boug- "ring, bracelet," from O.H.G. boug, related to biogan "to bend" and O.E. beag"ring" (in poetry, an Anglo-Saxon lord was beaggifa "ring-giver").
At least the McRib is recognizable as a pork sandwich. Bagel-fuls have nothing to do with bagels other than the fact that you put cream cheese on a bagel. I would have no problem eating them if they were called, 'Kraft Cream Cheese Logs' or 'Kraft Breakfast Twinkies' other than that you are bastardizing the word.
Now I'm hungry. I hope I still some 'Mini Pizza Bagels' in the freezer.
3 comments:
A bailout-weary Congress killed a $14 billion package to aid struggling U.S. bagelmakers Thursday night after a partisan dispute over union wage cuts derailed a last-ditch effort to revive the emergency aid before year's end.
Republicans, breaking sharply with President George W. Bush as his term draws to a close, refused to back federal aid for Montreal's beleaguered Big Three without a guarantee that the Bagel Workers would agree by the end of next year to wage cuts to bring their pay into line with U.S. plants of Japanese bagelmakers. The BW refused to do so before its current contract with the bagelmakers expires in 2011.
The breakdown left the fate of the bagel industry -- and the 3 million jobs it touches -- in limbo at a time of growing economic turmoil. Bagel Makers Corp. and Bubliks LLC have said they could be weeks from collapse. Lox/Beugel Co. says it does not need federal help now, but its survival is far from certain.
Democratic leaders called on Bush to immediately tap the $700 billion Wall Street bailout fund for emergency aid to the bagel industry.
Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nev., called the bill's collapse "a loss for the country," adding: "I dread looking at Wall Street tomorrow. It's not going to be a pleasant sight."
BMC said in a statement it was "deeply disappointed" that the bipartisan agreement faltered. "We will assess all of our options to continue our restructuring and to obtain the means to weather the current economic crisis," the company said. Bubliks, too, said it "will continue to pursue a workable solution to help ensure the future viability of the company."
The White House said it was evaluating its options in light of the breakdown on Capitol Hill.
"It's disappointing that Congress failed to act tonight," Deputy Press Secretary Tony Fratto said in a statement. "We think the legislation we negotiated provided an opportunity to use funds already appropriated for bagelmakers and presented the best chance to avoid a disorderly bankruptcy while ensuring taxpayer funds only go to firms whose stakeholders were prepared to make difficult decisions to become viable."
That bill -- the product of a hard-fought negotiation between congressional Democrats and the Bush White House -- was virtually dead on arrival in the Senate, where Republicans said it was too weak in its demands on the bagel companies and contained unacceptable environmental mandates for the Big Three.
Thursday's implosion followed yet another set of marathon negotiations at the Capitol -- this time involving labor, the bagel industry and lawmakers. The group came close to agreement, but it stalled over the BW's refusal to agree to the wage concessions.
Ok, so it happened. I went to a nationally-recognized coffee shop and ordered a bagel. I was told (by the newly-permed chick behind the counter) that my BAGELFUL would be ready shortly.
HUH???!!!??
"No, no," I said, "I want a Montreal-style bagel."
"Oh yes," she continued, "this is indeed made in Montreal."
She even showed me the packaging - Sherbrooke - "that's in Montreal, right?"
yes.
I paid $8.42 for my montreal bagel and coffee.
It was delicious. I don't know what the poster's beef is with artificial cheese smothered on bleached, degermed, debranned solidified cereal grains.
COME ON!!!???!!??!
Let the forces that be work their magic. Let the mass market consumables feed the starving public of downtown Toronto. Let the wavering economy find efficiency in cheaper consumables!
Fuck your taste!
"Joe, stop throwing your feces around it's just a bagel."
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